“I’m not yelling!” and other lies my parents told me.

Parents don’t exactly have an easy job. I should know, the youngest of 4 boys I saw a lot of heartache. A lot of nights my parents spent sleepless, worried about the way they were raising us. Worried about the world we were growing into. They did their best, god bless em. At the end of the day though there are some truths that must be grappled with. Uncomfortable ones.

I write this list to help future parents try and dodge the landmines that my own parents weren’t afforded the luxury to be able and try and dodge. Please note your milage may vary. If you end up raising a total monster or parasite because you never deceived your child. Thats on you

1. “I’m not yelling.” The sheer fact that you have to deny the volume of your voice is enough for me to call bullshit on this one. If you need any further elaboration on this one you either had parents who didn’t give a shit or parents who were awful at the other end of that scale. Not sure which is worse honestly…The first one.
2. “Just tell me the truth, and I won’t be mad.” In a lot of ways this one is almost too similar to the first point, but there is a distinction here that needs to be made. A parent that denies they’re yelling? Well thats just an auditory disagreement on some levels, at best it can be waved away. This though? This is entrapment. You’re being lured into exposing the truth and then punished for it. I literally had to buy a new iPod in secret because one got stolen along with a camera, but I only realized the camera got stolen at first. Then when I realized the iPod was also in that bag, well I wasn’t exactly eager to be told how awful I am again, especially over the same incident. I recognize it’s unfair to blame my parents for my choices but…I don’t know how to finish this sentence.
3. “Of course I like your girlfriend/boyfriend” Realistically, there has been a strong line of women my parents were forced to interact with that they did not exactly care for. There is one in particular whom shall remain nameless because I’m pretty sure she has an “Ambulance Chaser” on retainer for bullshit causes. Sometimes our family members attract “Alpha Losers” Now I’m not one whom ascribes to theories of mankind on a hierarchy scale comparable to the animal kingdom, but goddamn if I haven’t seen my share of horrible individuals walk through my parents doorway. I used to make jokes that all the religious imagery in our home was “crazy.” Now I just think my mother had the foresight to assume one of us will eventually bring a vampire home. Like a literal vampire, and my mother is just too damn cordial and polite to not invite them in.
4. “As long as you’re happy in your job, I’ll be happy too.” Oh this one is just utter bullshit, well maybe not, but it could be damn close. If your parents have ever talked to you about the accomplishments of their friends kids, never take to heart a statement like the above.
5. “Go ahead and watch whatever you want.” This one is one of those tests your parents give you when you get to, say your midteens. I’ve faced this one myself a lot more often than the other ones, coincidentally I don’t think my brothers faced this one as much. There were so many opportunities my father lobbed my way to basically take control of the TV while he committed to some idle activity or took a nap. In reality he was testing my taste against his. “Oh hi son, I was just watching Welcome Back Kotter, but you go ahead and watch whatever you want.” A small sliver of shame running up his back when he heard the theme song to My Little Pony play for the 5th time in as many days. I will say though things have changed a bit, He seems to like some of my Netflix choices.